Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The turtle and the hare.

I can't seem to break out of this turtle/hare routine. (Think of it as my own personal Jekyll/Hyde disorder.) Some days I can barely get out of bed. Dog-hair tumbleweeds invade the living spaces, bird toys scattered around the floor and dinner is thrown together rather than planned. Those are the days when the dishes might get done before bed, a load of laundry is only done if someone needs a specific article of clothing and the bedrooms look like a natural disaster hit. I'm not proud of this, of course. I have reasons. Migraines, back pain, crippling depression, nausea and dizziness that I can't seem to shake. It's been this way for so long that I've become accustomed to it.

After a day or two of that, it leads me into a manic state where everything has to be done right now and I obsess over the end result. Are the canisters and wine bottles all facing forward? Is the kitchen table centered on the far window? I clean with a vengeance; using toothbrushes to scrub the edges of the sink, scrubbing tubs, toilets and floors and causing blisters on my hands from scalding water and caustic cleaning solutions. The house, for a time, is presentable. No matter, if someone stops by, I'll still apologize for the mess. I over-analyze, obsess and generally throw myself into a tizzy over things I can't change.

Every day I long for the in-between. The days where I can relax but still have the motivation to stay on top of the housework, doctor appointments, school meetings and sibling interventions that inevitably creep up. I want to step away from the internal struggle and find some kind of balance. I want to be me again.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


So, the scheduled posts that I've had in the wings haven't posted. Not sure why (one was from my phone, so I can understand that one) but I'll blame it on user error (ie: my fault) and move on. I'll try to recover the text files I saved everything to but, failing that, I'll just start over fresh and you'll have a few lovely new posts to read. Yay!