After a day or two of that, it leads me into a manic state where everything has to be done right now and I obsess over the end result. Are the canisters and wine bottles all facing forward? Is the kitchen table centered on the far window? I clean with a vengeance; using toothbrushes to scrub the edges of the sink, scrubbing tubs, toilets and floors and causing blisters on my hands from scalding water and caustic cleaning solutions. The house, for a time, is presentable. No matter, if someone stops by, I'll still apologize for the mess. I over-analyze, obsess and generally throw myself into a tizzy over things I can't change.
Every day I long for the in-between. The days where I can relax but still have the motivation to stay on top of the housework, doctor appointments, school meetings and sibling interventions that inevitably creep up. I want to step away from the internal struggle and find some kind of balance. I want to be me again.